Strengthen Whisper

I tried my best to hold on the flood of tears which forced its way out from my eyes. After all the things that I had never imagined before struck me exactly on my face, I had no idea what I should do, where I should go, and even whether I should continue my life. I saw his back disappearing from my sight, I felt the Angel of Death pulled my soul trough my head.

I needed an advice. But from whom?

I saw his car slowly going away from the parking lot. My heart forced me to stand up and run after him to stop the car, but my brain told me not. We had been over.

I needed someone to talk to. But whom?

His hand was stretched out from the car window to give some money to the parking guy. The hand that used to hold mine in the cold night, the hand that used to feel so fit on mine, the hand that I used to believe, that would have been the one to put a ring on my ring finger.

I couldn’t hold on the tears anymore. My hand lost her partner, my heart lost the love, my body lost the soul, and I felt so empty.

I needed somewhere to bury my grief.

But where? I needed a place. I asked the brain to give me one name, but it couldn’t do anything else besides playing all memories about him.

I needed a place. Anywhere.

I would come there, and even if I wanted to bury the grief, I should bury myself also.

I told the brain to stop the memory player. I forced the eyes to stop the tears. However, they ignored me. I closed the eyes, leaned the body, took a deep breath, and feeling the hot tears that fell down slowly on the cheek. Suddenly, the tears turned cold. The wind blew, trees swung. Suddenly I heard a sound from my brain. I put things into my bag, and took the car key.

I knew where I should go.

I went to the same place that I came to when my mother died. A place where I usually came to tell all the stories I had. But it had been so long since the last time I came here, when he came into my life. Perhaps it was God’s way to tell me that they miss me.

There they were, my waves. I could see them celebrating my return. They cheered up when I stepped my feet on its sand. Their swashes were heard just like they were having a homecoming party for me.

I walked into a tumbled coconut trunk that I usually sat on. I was silent for a while, took a breath, and arranged the words. I got a little nervous somehow. A little guilt sneaked into my heart. I felt guilty for my absence when I was happy with him, and for returning to them when I was knocked down.

Suddenly they seemed stop the party. The swashes died down. They were waiting for me to tell them what had just happening.

I still kept on silence. They kept waiting.

“I’m over with him,” I began the story after the third deep breath. They were calm, listening.

“I thought I was born for him. I thought I was his missing rib. Our love was so perfect and I never thought it had an ending!” the tears ran down again on the cheek. I took a pause, waiting their respond, but they were still in silence. They waited for the whole story, perhaps. So I continued.

“I was so happy for having him in my life, you know? I had nobody who care so much before, after my parents’ divorce and after my mother….” I stopped, and took a deep breath again.

“He’s left and taken everything away; my love, hopes, soul, life, my… my.. my everything! Then what should I do now?” I asked. I paused. I ran out of the words. Rain poured on my face, I was panting just like I had run for miles, the emotion felt to the bones.

 I was waiting for the respond.

They were still calm. They swept the sands softly. I knew they were trying to calm me down. They would pet me if they had hands, perhaps.

“Why didn’t you say anything? Answer me!” I started to sob.

“Are you angry with me, because I’ve never seen you after I had him? Okay, so now you are angry and don’t want to talk with me anymore!”

They said a big no by striking a big swash to the sands.

“No? You don’t get angry with me? So answer me!” I got up and came closer to them. I couldn’t hear them in a distance perhaps. I was close enough, but I still heard nothing.

“I have been closer enough! Say something to me! I need someone’s advices. I need… my mother.”

I was frozen. I finally realized that I missed my mother, so much.

“Hey! You have no right to be angry with me! You took my mother! You, are the cause of everything that happened. You took my mother, my life, the love, and perhaps you are the cause of his leaving!” I scream to them.

They slapped more big swashes to the sands, tried to wake me up from the madness. They were in protest, I knew.

I sobbed, I lost, I was empty, and somehow the longing of my mother stung on every part of my body.

I ran into them. Felt the heavy protest swashes from them.

“I wanted to see mother,” I whispered.

My whisper seemed like a scream for them. They heard me so clear, and tried to push me back to the beach. They turned into big swashes and struck me back.

“Don’t stop me!” I screamed. They screamed back at me, struck me with more power. I took one step ahead, they pushed me back two steps.

“I never asked you anything except responding me! You never do that, so please let me to ask you this last one thing! I want to see my mother, please don’t stop me!” I kept fighting their big power.

“You, bitch! Why do you always hinder me from my happiness?”

I stopped a while when I heard sounds like a thunder. Then a big wave seemed to approach me.

“Byyuurr!”

I closed my eyes, and when I opened them again I felt the softness of the wet sand on my left cheek.

Okay, I was defeated. They won. They brought me back to the sands.

I thought I lost my consciousness for a second while, and when I got it back, I sobbed.

White soft ripple wiped my face. Its touch, reminded me of my mother’s. It’s been so long since I felt her hand touching my skin.  

The white ripple wiped me gently, tried to calm me down. I had stopped sobbing, but I didn’t feel like wanting to get up. My ears caught a sound, a whisper.

“Your life must go on.”

“It’s useless for crying on something that is not created for you.”

 “There is a hello, there is a goodbye.”

“There is a birth, there is a death.”

“God has arranged the happy plan for your life.”

I got up and had a seat. Whose sound it was? I looked around. Is there anyone else besides me there?

No. I was alone.

I stared at the waves. Were they them? Then why did they become mute now?

I froze, thinking.

I saw the ripples that stroke my feet. I buried my head on my arms. Smiled. I raised my head, gathered my power, and stood up.

I stared at the waves again.

“Go home. Your mother will not smile if she sees her diamond puts on a sad face.”

I smiled to the waves, to the sands. I took my steps. Water dropped from my clothes, left track on the sands.

Behind, I heard them played the music that my mother used to play before I sleep.

“Come back here, before we miss you.”

I nodded my head and drove my car home.